As Teatro Caupolican filled up on Saturday afternoon, March 28, moms and dads grazed on high-calorie snacks while kids (and disturbingly a few grown men) slipped on their wrestling masks, newly acquired from the merchandise stand. Ringside, a group of teenagers wearing Viking helmets posed for the TV cameras. Unfeasibly loud death metal pumped from the speakers.
Photo by Sofia Carvajal
First up, in a three-on-three bout, the fighters entered the ring to a soundtrack medley of reggaeton, rap and metal. Mister Boogie and Cano snarled at the audience while The Black Cambodian Warrior, in an unforgiving pair of black latex shorts, camped it up like a novice transvestite, dry humping the corner posts and his fellow opponents at every opportunity.
If you don’t know anything about wrestling, fear not--you don’t need to. This is entertainment, pure and simple, and the only rules that are followed are those of a Christmas panto, right down to the exaggerated acting, confused sexuality and audience participation. The wrestling holds may have looked rehearsed, but the kids didn’t care and neither did the grown-ups.
As the referee was knocked out in the second bout and Crazy Sid pinned Gaston Mateo for a win, the little ones stood on their chairs for a better view and everyone cheered.
After several more bouts of drag queens versus clowns, Mexican Mariachis against school teachers and a fake bloody end to The Coyote’s hopes of fending off The Bull, it was time for the main event.
Four thousand anxious fans, with cameras at the ready, strained their necks to catch their first glimpse of Samoan-American wrestler Kishi in the flesh, and what a lot of flesh there was to see. Weighing in at a massive 360 kilograms, Kishi is a mountain of a man, with a rear the size of a small country and a serious cellulite problem.
Pitted against him was Ariki Toa from Easter Island, who was tiny by comparison. Comedy ensued as Ariki tried and failed to lift the big man. Realizing that his only chance would be from a height advantage, Ariki leaped from the ropes, his fall broken by the soft, squidgy flesh of the Samoan. As Kishi got up, fans recoiled in horror--he had a wedgie and it wasn’t pretty.
Ariki reverted to dirty tactics and the crowd got behind Kishi, squealing, "Vamos Kishi Vamos!" with delight as he performed his signature move, the "Stink Face." His opponent won’t forget that in a hurry. A few minutes later it was all over as Kishi won the Chilean Major title with a pin hold.
As Kishi held up his new belt in a blaze of glory and pyrotechnics, the other fighters charged into the ring and a free-for-all ensued. It got a bit nasty as the bad guys started to throw tantrums like big babies, but it ended well with a song and a dance and the audience left happy, treading potato chips into the carpet as they went.